I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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