Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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