Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
