Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
