Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
