I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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