Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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