i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
