i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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