i wish my penis had a tongue
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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