I cut my penus on the lid.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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