Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
