The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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