those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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