I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
