I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
