If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I wear drunk well.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
