im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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