You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
