did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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