When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
