she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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