The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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