dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
