So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
