Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
