why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
