i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
