hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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