Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
