Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
