just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
