I wish my penis had an off switch
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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