Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
