i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dignity is for republicans.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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