It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize