I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
