I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
