i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The air taste purple.
Randomize