apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
