One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
