you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
