cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
