I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
