My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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