He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
