Define "chronic" masturbator.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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