Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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