remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
