Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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