After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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