i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
