Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
