im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
