i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Bring me that man meat
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
