I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
