Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You've changed since you got that strap on
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
