i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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