My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize